Growing up as an ‘80’s child, “Dukes of Hazzard” was one of my all-time favorite shows - I even remember playing with “Dukes” colorforms. So, when I first heard a few years ago that a movie was to be made, I was delighted; however, with the many crappy casting choices and insincere adaptations that are made nowadays, I should have known that my delight was premature.

Hearing that Britney Spears was going to portray Daisy Duke sickened me, and I awaited other rumors for casting. When I heard that Johnny Knoxville and Sean William Scott had been cast, I remember thinking, “They might not be bad choices for Rosco and Enos.” - I was sickened even more to hear that they were to be the Duke Boys.

Lately, remakes of classic TV shows have been treated disrespectfully. Despite successful box-office grosses, movies like Starsky & Hutch and Bewitched cared more about whimsical takes than being true to the original hit premises/tones. It couldn’t have been any different for Dukes of Hazzard since Warner Bros. handed the reins to Jay Chandrasekhar and his Broken Lizard team - a successful group of creators for slapstick and spoof make not for good people to handle adapting a show that was satirical and funny at times but far from being a ‘comedy.’

With Dukes of Hazzard opening in theaters today, I will give a prejudicial grade (see FAQ). It is a movie that I will wait to see on DVD - I will not out shell out eight or so bucks for a movie that doesn’t seem to care about its classic forerunner.

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Johnny Knoxville as Luke Duke (Tom Wopat)

Johnny Knoxville is not a bad actor, but he always has comical roles. Even in Walking Tall, he served as the comic relief. Luke Duke, however, is a serious character. Not only does Knoxville not have many serious roles in his repertoire, but he looks nothing like the character’s original portrayer, Tom Wopat.

Grade: C

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Sean William Scott as Bo Duke (John Schneider)

Sean William Scott’s first major role was in Final Destination, but ever since then he’s been known for comedic roles (thanks to the American Pie franchise). So, like Knoxville, casting Scott as Bo Duke is wrong. While Bo was never as serious as his cousin Luke, he was far from as goofy as Scott, whose appearance is so-so when compared to John Schneider, the original Bo (now famous for his role as Jonathan Kent in “Smallville”).

Grade: D

I myself had a difficult time thinking of the best actors to portray the Duke Boys until I just recently saw 2 Fast 2 Furious. When Tyrese Gibson’s character mentioned “Dukes of Hazzard,” I realized that Paul Walker would have been a great Bo!

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Jessica Simpson as Daisy Duke (Catherine Bach)

In casting the role of Daisy Duke, it seems the creators simply wanted someone who looked good in the denim shorts that have come to be known by the character’s namesake. Nothing about Jessica Simpson aside from her ‘hotness’ fit’s the role - she didn’t even dye her hair!

Grade: F

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Willie Nelson as Uncle Jesse Duke (Denver Pyle)

Granted Willie Nelson does somewhat resemble Denver Pyle, the late actor who originally portrayed Uncle Jesse, the country singer is far too laid-back in demeanor to portray the assertive elder Duke and far too small in frame to portray the character’s robustness.

Grade: C

My choice for Uncle Jesse would have been Robert Duvall - an easy choice I had made a while ago. I have also seen other people mention him as their pick, so it’s a shame he wasn’t cast.

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M.C. Gainey as Rosco P. Coltrane (James Best)

This casting choice is the diametric opposite of the casting for Uncle Jesse. The mishap sheriff who always proclaimed his full name, Rosco P. Coltrane, was small in frame (as depicted via actor James Best) - comparable to the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz; however, the new movie’s choice more resembles the Cowardly Lion - a tall heavyweight. Perhaps the personality is right, but unlikely. On a side note, whenever I see M.C. Gainey, I can’t help but get the image of a full monty as his role delivered in Sideways - definitely not the image I want to see in Rosco.

Grade: D

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Burt Reynolds as Jefferson Davis “Boss” Hogg (Sorrell Booke)

The character of Boss Hogg was probably the most comedic role in the classic show, so it’s a wonder that the most serious actor (or perhaps second most after Willie Nelson) was cast in that role. Moreover, Burt Reynolds looks nothing like Sorrell Booke, the late actor who originally portrayed Hogg. Some people may argue that appearance isn’t an issue so long as the personality is right, but if ever there were a character whose appearance mattered, it’s Boss Hogg - the man was fat because he was always gorging his face with food, hence his namesake. Burt Reynolds is not that kind of fat. Reynolds may be able to pull off the dictatorial boss role, but not much else would resemble the original Hogg. Heck, the original rumor of Anthony Anderson as Boss Hogg would have been a better choice, despite race.

Grade: D

Perhaps they should have gone with Reynolds’ classic cohort, Dom Deluise - the man is portly and works with food - and is a comedian.

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Michael Weston as Enos Strate (Sonny Shroyer)

Of all the people cast, Michael Weston most closely resembles an original “Dukes” actor, Sonny Shroyer as Deputy Enos Strate. I’ve never seen Weston act, so by default he receives the only good grade for this cast.

Grade: B

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David Koechner as Cooter Davenport (Ben Jones)

David Koechner is another actor I have never seen perform, but his grade is low because he looks nothing like Ben Jones, the original “Dukes” mechanic and pal, Cooter Davenport.

Grade: D

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Additionally, I could not find any pictures of Jack Polick, so I could not compare him to Rick Hurst, the original Deputy Cletus Hogg; therefore, I cannot even give a prejudicial grade on this casting choice.

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The final prejudicial grade for Dukes of Hazzard is a .

D for Dukes - how sadly appropriate.

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Post-Script:
Since I gave a few casting ideas above, I will end this article by casting the lesser known Duke Boys - Coy & Vance. Sean William Scott would actually be a good choice to portray Coy Duke (originally portrayed by Byron Cherry) - a much more suitable role for him than Bo. I had once had a wild idea to have Kevin Sorbo portray Luke, but I knew he didn’t really fit; however, Sorbo would be great for Vance Duke (originally portrayed by Christopher Mayer).